BY MY HAND

I only have myself to blame for my near death experience.

I tried to kill myself. I don’t remember the exact trigger that made me decide life in this realm was no longer a viable option for me. All I remember is a year of heartache, isolation, and a feeling of such darkness I never thought I could be happy again.

I never believed in guardian angels until that day. I grew up Catholic, but we were practical Catholics. Church was great for community and a place to go on Sundays when everything else closed, but I never bought into the supernatural-ness of it all. I envied those who believed, but I was not one of them.

It was also not my first attempt to enter the afterlife. Let’s just say that my existence and I have always been at odds with each other. I have never feared death, only the idea I will miss out on something someday.

I had it all planned out. The where. The how. The when. I was desperate for it to work this time. I was sitting on my bedroom floor, mentally saying good-bye to my old life, when a figure appeared in my mind’s eye, crouched in front of me. He had a look of such despair on his face I forgot all about mine for a moment. Even I could not comprehend such sadness. All he did was look into my eyes and weep.


When you’ve hit this point in your life where you feel the only solution is a one-way ticket out of here, you rarely stop to consider other people’s pain. Specifically, the pain your death is going to cause them. It must be what the first speck of the universe felt before the big bang. The darkness and emptiness of space crushing you to the point you finally explode. The main difference between that speck and us is when we explode, we don’t make universes, we create chaos.

To me it was simple. It was the only decision I would ever make where I wouldn’t have to live with the consequences. But that’s all wrong. We transfer all this pain to other people in our lives. Our suffering becomes someone else’s problem.


I felt all this while I was looking into his eyes. I felt the pain, sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, and desperation of the people I thought would be better off without me. I would create a hole in their heart. It would be with them forever, always expanding to fill every aspect of their lives.

In that moment, I knew this figure was my guardian angel. Ten years later, I question that resolve, but in that moment I knew. I also knew the universe was begging me not to do it. It was not only my loved ones pain, but the pain of the universe as I destroyed the bright star it had created in me. All the potential energy of my existence was going to get chucked back into the void.

My tears joined his as we both sat there and cried. I have no idea how much time passed before he straightened, gripped my shoulders, and shook me until my teeth rattled. Subtlety only goes so far with me. I need a swift kick before a lesson sticks.

This was my final warning. No more saving me from myself after this.


Pain, like energy, can never be created or destroyed. It can transfer to those around us or transform into something more useful like courage or empathy. It makes us strong enough to conquer the big things and perceptive enough to appreciate the little things.

I will always appreciate the universe for sending me a guardian angel that day.